Sunday, September 21, 2008
Grieving...for the boob
My milk is just about done. It's been a rough day feeling such excitement that Shimmy has been tolerating the higher calorie formula (we're now at 50/50 with breast milk ) and so getting the nutrition that he desperately needs to grow and heal and also realizing that my milk is quickly drying up. It feels like this devastating loss to me that I know I can get over but it also just brings it way home that I have a Son who is so sick he can't nurse and it's been going on long enough that my milk is drying up even with the pumping, drinking (water) and supplementation that I've been doing/taking for the last 7 weeks. And straight breastmilk is not enough for him as he needs so much more to heal his very sick heart.
I can't help but remember that these days, as normal as they've begun to feel, are not anywhere near normal. As much as Simon seemed so normal and healthy and loving life today, he is battling for it with every heart beat. The end of my body making milk for my son feels huge. I know there are so many other things I can do for him but this was one of the first and kept us connected as he went from being in my body to getting his sustenance directly from my body. Even for the last few weeks as his nursing stopped I was still feeling that connection as he at least got my milk through his NG tube. I cannot stop the tears each time I think of this loss. It's nothing compared to how much I would rather have his heart heal and his beautiful growing body get the energy it needs. And, it still feels like a huge loss.
And, Simon had a great day today.