Monday, May 16, 2011

No Turtle or Elephant I

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Simon is amazing. He took the bus to and from school today. To and from the school that he's just barely a month into going to. He got on with one lovely lady driver and came home with another. He's smiling almost the whole time (he was not so keen the first time with the seat belt). He said good morning to Miss Tina as he stepped on the bus and gave Miss Kimberly a jolly "see you tomorrow" when he got home three hours later. He is amazing. He looks people in the eye and opens his heart (which obviously needs to be a little larger than the average bears') and says "Love, Hug, Aaaaah." It's a very clear directive both for the person that he's saying it to as well as for himself. A deep reminder that it's a truly wonderful way to greet someone, that you know well or are just meeting. Assessments, graduation, birthday celebrations, new school, new teachers, new much has gone down in the last 2 months. Still, he creates 'home' wherever and with whomever he's hanging with. Just like a turtle but with so much more room than just for one. Amazing.

Oh, and have I mentioned that the boy turned three. 3 . THREEEEEE!

It's not like it was an overnight shift but holy heck, he's turned three with a vengeance. It's mostly reserved for me but Jaime's gotten a bunch of it too. Pushing back in all senses. Tantrums. Wanting what he wants when he wants it. Digging in. Digging in deeeeeeep. Bedtimes, nap times, walks. Stopping an activity. Getting out of the house. Making it down the walkway to the name it I think he's wanted to do it or not do it at any given moment. My boy is three. Terrible two's...puhleeeze- three is the magic number.

He's been yelled at by other kids, pushed around a little, had the TV turned off, been made to stay in his own bed, been strapped into a stroller, and simply had his clothes changed. Oh the drama.

But here's the thing. He's got the skin for it. He takes it and bounces right back when he's ready (or when the right distraction tool is used- it's a balancing act). Seriously though, he cried for an hour last night as Jaime (bless her heart) worked her magic with getting Simon to stay in his own bed. He's been climbing into bed with us for the last month+ and while he almost immediately falls into a sound sleep, Jaime and I do not and for the rest of the night are dealing with a horizontal child and/or sharp little kicks to the ribs or neck. Not so much fun.

So last night, I am a huddling shaking mess on the other side of the bed as the child screams and whether it's biology or I'm just a wuss, it was one of the hardest things I had to do not to pick him up and just pull him into bed. It's much easier to believe in the moment that stopping him crying is so much more important than another awful nights sleep.

That said, after an hour of settling and ramping up again, the child slept. Soundly, without a peep for the next 6.5 hours, in his own bed. How many more nights of this will it take? We'll see.

But there he was at 6:20am chipper as always ready to take on the next big adventure with morning hugs and love and snuggles. No attachment to the rage and frustration that he was feeling just 6 hours before.

Like an elephant's thick skin, he's got the most amazing ability to let the hard things bounce off and like an elephants bonding capacity, Simon knows how to make incredible connections with the good ones.

Aside: It just about slayed me when as we're walking up to the bus this morning I say to him "Simon, you're about to take the bus for the very first time!" and he says "Shehechianu!" which is the Jewish blessing that essentially gives thanks for new and/or special occasions (we had talked about it days earlier!)

But the title of the post says no turtle or elephant I and while I love to sing the praises of my son, oh lordy I am uber jealous of him, especially today. Except for how slow those two move, I got nothin' like the aforementioned qualities. My skin feels rice paper thin and I feel a thick grey cloud in between me and everyone around me.

Walking around the lake today and even Wham's Freedom 90 couldn't lift my spirits. I just feel the funk. Simon's life is changing so drastically and seemingly wonderfully. 

I can't seem to catch up. Mine isn't. I even have a three hour chunk to myself 4 out of 5 days a week and I feel mired in the thickest of pea soups. I still feel alone. I still worry about his heart. I still think about germ exposure. I still have to make blended food and order meds.

I can't quite get past that yet to get to a yoga class or make it to the gym. I don't even feel connected to myself so it makes total but sad sense to me that I don't really feel connected to anyone else. That plus the nori seaweed thin skin and I'm feeling a little like a silkworm. Thin skin, slow moving, hungry all the time (she said polishing off a delicious Bit O' Honey), not often seen but damn if what I produce isn't one of the most spectacular things around.

Riding the bus

The day we forgot to shave before school

Helping Mommy cap 38 years

Hive Five PopPop!

The Grandparents meet Sweet Pea

Djaffar teaching Simon chess (or is it vice versa?)

I'm the one on the right

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