Simon came home very angry bc a kid at school took his candy (it got handled, he just can't let it go). After about 15 mins of him throwing things around and glaring angrily at me, Laura taps me out and goes into his room with him.
I hear:
Simon: *furiously* Death or Torture. Make your choice.
Laura: *casually* Oh, totally death. I'm not into torture.
A little while later I hear him say: "I'm not the one you gave birth to. I'm not the one you created. I'm the evil Killmonger".
He's so fluent in villian!
------
Simon: Who is the villain of the White House?
Laura: Well, who do you think?
Simon: Trump. But who is his henchman?
Laura: The Vice President, a man named Mike Pence
Simon: Is he also a villain?
Laura: I think so. He doesn’t like people like me and Mama and he doesn’t think we should be able to be married and have kids.
Simon: Well, you know I work for him.
Laura: No. Just...no.
Simon: Well, then you know I work for Trump.
Laura: No.
Simon: *thinking*
Simon: What about Jason Vorhees (from Friday the 13th).
Laura: Fine.
-------
Simon: *angrily* "You're devoted!"
Me:"I do not think this means what you think it means, but what a lovely thing to say on Valentine's Day! I am quite devoted to your mother"
Simon: *scowling*
Simon: "Fine. You're fired"
Me: "Ah, yes. That's what I think you were going for".
Firing is so much more dramatic than demotion anyway.
------
Me: Simon, it's time for bed
Simon: No. It's not that time.
Me: Well, what time is it?
Simon: Hammertime.
Me: 😂
-----
Simon: What are you cooking?
Me: Cabbage
Simon: Not humans?
Me: Uh, no. Not humans.
-----
Doing bedtime with Simon. We listen to YouTube videos with my phone face down on the bed. He wants me to put it closer to him. I refuse.
Simon: That’s it. I’m doing a countdown. 3-2-1. Hand it over.
Me: *smothering my laughter in a pillow and refusing to comply*
Simon: That’s it. I’m sleeping by myself.
Me: *remembering the countless nights he comes into our bed and keeps us awake for hours*
That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works. But highly entertaining.
------
Staffer at Trader Joes: Simon, you're so handsome!
Simon: Yep!
Me: Hold on. Simon, what do you say when someone gives you a compliment?
Simon: Um...I'll accept that
Me: Try again
-----
Me: Simon, I love you.
Simon: Why did Hitler get defeated?
Me: Um, that's not the response I was expecting.
--------
Report from my Mom after date night last night. (She leaves for 5 weeks in India tomorrow. )
Simon: Mamaw, how do you say “Oh My God” in Hindi?
Mom: I’m not sure. I’ll have to find out.
Simon: *muttering under his breath*
Mom: *realizes that what she just heard was “Oh My Baghavatti”
-----
Simon: Who is going to be our hotel manager? Norman Bates?
Me: I really hope not.
-----
Simon: We should open our own bageleria.
Me: The phrase "bagel shop" is dead to me, forevermore.
-----
Simon, tearing up after eating something spicy:
"My eyes are sweating!"
-----
(Laura and I were talking about something and Simon randomly referenced a Honeymoon)
Me: Simon, are you going to have a Honeymoon?
Simon: Yes. ALONE.
-----
We just finished lighting the candles tonight for Hannukah and Simon asked me a question. I didn’t know the answer and Simon said, “Jew don’t know the answer?” And then busted out laughing.
-----
Simon's action figure smack down just featured Sophia Carson v. Stalin.
------
Me: *holding Simon's chin and looking lovingly into his eyes*
Me: "I love this punim"
Simon: *glaring back at me*
Simon: "I only love pain"
Is 9 too young to go goth?
-----
When I thought about what parenthood would look like, I didn’t imagine a sword fight between Ozzy Osborne and Peter Pan, set to the soundtrack of “War?” by System of a Down, and yet...
-----
Simon's latest obsession is that he is King Cancer and Laura is Henchman Bacteria and their evil superpowers are causing disease. I mean, I guess it’s related to science, right?
I hear:
Simon: *furiously* Death or Torture. Make your choice.
Laura: *casually* Oh, totally death. I'm not into torture.
A little while later I hear him say: "I'm not the one you gave birth to. I'm not the one you created. I'm the evil Killmonger".
He's so fluent in villian!
------
Simon: Who is the villain of the White House?
Laura: Well, who do you think?
Simon: Trump. But who is his henchman?
Laura: The Vice President, a man named Mike Pence
Simon: Is he also a villain?
Laura: I think so. He doesn’t like people like me and Mama and he doesn’t think we should be able to be married and have kids.
Simon: Well, you know I work for him.
Laura: No. Just...no.
Simon: Well, then you know I work for Trump.
Laura: No.
Simon: *thinking*
Simon: What about Jason Vorhees (from Friday the 13th).
Laura: Fine.
-------
Simon: *angrily* "You're devoted!"
Me:"I do not think this means what you think it means, but what a lovely thing to say on Valentine's Day! I am quite devoted to your mother"
Simon: *scowling*
Simon: "Fine. You're fired"
Me: "Ah, yes. That's what I think you were going for".
Firing is so much more dramatic than demotion anyway.
------
Me: Simon, it's time for bed
Simon: No. It's not that time.
Me: Well, what time is it?
Simon: Hammertime.
Me: 😂
-----
Simon: What are you cooking?
Me: Cabbage
Simon: Not humans?
Me: Uh, no. Not humans.
-----
Doing bedtime with Simon. We listen to YouTube videos with my phone face down on the bed. He wants me to put it closer to him. I refuse.
Simon: That’s it. I’m doing a countdown. 3-2-1. Hand it over.
Me: *smothering my laughter in a pillow and refusing to comply*
Simon: That’s it. I’m sleeping by myself.
Me: *remembering the countless nights he comes into our bed and keeps us awake for hours*
That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works. But highly entertaining.
------
Staffer at Trader Joes: Simon, you're so handsome!
Simon: Yep!
Me: Hold on. Simon, what do you say when someone gives you a compliment?
Simon: Um...I'll accept that
Me: Try again
-----
Me: Simon, I love you.
Simon: Why did Hitler get defeated?
Me: Um, that's not the response I was expecting.
--------
Report from my Mom after date night last night. (She leaves for 5 weeks in India tomorrow. )
Simon: Mamaw, how do you say “Oh My God” in Hindi?
Mom: I’m not sure. I’ll have to find out.
Simon: *muttering under his breath*
Mom: *realizes that what she just heard was “Oh My Baghavatti”
-----
Simon: Who is going to be our hotel manager? Norman Bates?
Me: I really hope not.
-----
Simon: We should open our own bageleria.
Me: The phrase "bagel shop" is dead to me, forevermore.
-----
Simon, tearing up after eating something spicy:
"My eyes are sweating!"
-----
(Laura and I were talking about something and Simon randomly referenced a Honeymoon)
Me: Simon, are you going to have a Honeymoon?
Simon: Yes. ALONE.
-----
We just finished lighting the candles tonight for Hannukah and Simon asked me a question. I didn’t know the answer and Simon said, “Jew don’t know the answer?” And then busted out laughing.
-----
Simon's action figure smack down just featured Sophia Carson v. Stalin.
------
Me: *holding Simon's chin and looking lovingly into his eyes*
Me: "I love this punim"
Simon: *glaring back at me*
Simon: "I only love pain"
Is 9 too young to go goth?
-----
When I thought about what parenthood would look like, I didn’t imagine a sword fight between Ozzy Osborne and Peter Pan, set to the soundtrack of “War?” by System of a Down, and yet...
-----
Simon's latest obsession is that he is King Cancer and Laura is Henchman Bacteria and their evil superpowers are causing disease. I mean, I guess it’s related to science, right?
