Simon's 2016 funnies

I realized after I posted the 2017 funnies, that I had done this in 2016 but only posted on Facebook.  Thought I'd share here in case anyone needs a chuckle. 

A compilation of Simon funnies from this year to ease the pain of 2016.

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Simon perfectly communicated how he feels about his first day of school by crawling into my lap while simultaneously yelling at me to leave him alone.
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Simon loves to make up puns and mash up words. This morning it was "coffee" and "chocolate". From this day on, in our house, mochas shall forever be called "cocklet". Bwwwwaaaaahahaha!

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Dropping Simon off at school late after a morning appointment and passed kid standing outside a classroom.

Kid looks up and shouts"Simon! Oh my god! Where WERE you? You haven't been here all morning", and wraps him in an "I-thought-you-were-lost-at-sea-but-here-you-are-in-the-flesh" bear hug. I honestly thought the kid was going to cry he was so glad to see him.

Team Shimmy fans are hardcore, man.

Thank God. He's gonna extra need it if Trump gets elected.
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Simon, after finishing a donut: "I think that sugar just hit me in the nuts, Bro!"

I could NOT make this stuff up.
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Simon was playing with our landline phone almost an hour ago. Thought I hung it up before he actually made any calls, but I just answered a very hard knock on the door to find 2 Oakland police officers calling me Ms. Fitch and asking me if I called 911. Dude. If I called 911 an hour ago and actually had an emergency...damn. And that's the response time for a middle class neighborhood. Also, my kid is so busted when he wakes up tomorrow.

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Reason #936 why I adore Simon? He calls Laura Fitch "the chaplain". As in, "is the chaplain home" or "where's the chaplain?", if she's not around. Slays me every time.
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In lighter news, this week Simon's two TV obsessions are Teletubbies (I can barely handle that we're back on this after enduring his early years with this on non-stop) and...Lip Sync Battle.

Simon's brain to my brain: "I'm 2! No, wait, I'm 14. Just kidding. I'm 8 but maybe more like 5. That's right. Keep guessing. "
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It made my whole day when Simon requested Megan Trainer's "No".
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Simon now adds "Bruh" to almost any answer. As in "Simon, do you want toast for breakfast?" "Nah, Bruh. I want sushi".

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Parenting win for the day: not busting out laughing when Simon tries to insult me by angrily calling me a "scoundrel".

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Simon: "I'm a chicken. My name is Pecker!"
Me:

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Simon tonight: "I like big butts". Me: Oh shit. (Thank you Alvin and the Chipmunks, btw). Simon, also tonight, while we were marching up the hill on the dog walk: "We are the 99%". Me: Okay, I think that balances things out.
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As overheard this morning:
Simon: Is Darth Vader coming to our Seder?
Laura: Nope. He's not Jewish.
Simon: Nuh uh! He is TOTALLY Jewish!
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Second time Simon has ripped a loose tooth out of his mouth and triumphantly spiked it on the floor, leaving us frantically crawling around on the ground for said tooth. Tonight it was in the dark in our driveway.
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Scene: bedtime
Me : *trying to quietly sneak out of Simons room, thinking he's asleep.*
Simon: [full voice] "Nuh uh! You shouldn't be doing that. You get back here".
Me : *shaking with laughter as I slink back*