Beginning

Today was the beginning. Today was the beginning of my time as a mother................. This is not the birthday blog entry that I want to write. But here I am, sobbing my frickin eyes out because today was the beginning that never got finished.


Hindsight blah blah, probably born with it, blah blah blah, whatever.

Today I gave birth to Simon Lev and he was my baby boy.  Born without complications, born at home, breastfeeding well, sleeping right next to me, my little healthy baby boy.

Today was the beginning of a three month, 21 day, odyssey that ended abruptly. I sound so fucking fatalistic right now but I gotta tell you, the tears running and uncontrollable sobbing tell me that I am grieving something really big right now.

I wish that I could tell that two year younger me some things. I wish that I could tell her/me that things are amazing right now but you have no idea what's coming. I thought I had some range in thinking about all the things I didn't/couldn't know as a new mom.

Yeah right.

I miss that two year younger me though. The one that thought I'd have gone back to work part time. The one that imagined picking up Simon from the special-just-right day care that we found for him. The one that was excited about teaching him to eat, not missing out on other kids birthdays for fear of germs, spending too much time looking on the internet for a 'cooling vest' so that we could make our way through a Bay Area summer without having to leave/ stay inside/ deal with temperature sensitivity. I miss that me.

Two years ago today was the beginning of that new mommy excitement. Granted I was totally exhausted, my body feeling just like and totally different from that time that I did get run over by a truck. Jaime and I were in shock. We'd done it. Two months of trying and 41 weeks later and here we were. A threesome.

So what that for the next three months 21 days were we dealing with what we thought was a kinda fussy baby?

He was smiling. He was laughing. He was our fussy baby.

Today is the beginning of that time when there were no syringes, no medications, no echo's, no blood draws, no hospital stays, no infections, no feeding tube, no PT, OT, early intervention program, no barfing, no shortening or ejection fractions, no waiting to see if you were going to live or not Simon Lev.

I was just your mom. I miss that. I miss just being your mom. I miss that me. She's gone and I don't think that she ever gets to come back.

It's not that I would trade a single moment of my time with you over the last two years. Any of it. All of it. Those first 3 weeks 21 days and then the next 20 months and 7 days.
All of it makes me the mom that I am today and I really like this person I've become (mostly. I think I could take better care of myself sometimes). And I really really like the person that you've become Simon. You are exceptional. The way that you greet your world.
"Hi! Hi! Hi!"

The way that you are so clearly in your body and in touch with the world around you. You are present for each moment. You may not eat or drink just yet but you certainly drink in life.

So why am I still crying? How ironic to be feeling such a profound feeling of loss on a day two years ago when I was given such an incredible gift. You are such an incredible gift to me Simon Lev and so much not the gift that I thought I was getting.

So I'm sending lots and lots of love to that Jaime and Laura of two years ago (just starting contractions right about now).

The space time continuum is really thin and I feel the discord between what that me was feeling, with what's real right now. It's a Grand Canyon scale chasm. It's filled with a million and one experiences that those new parents of two years ago can't even imagine. They can't even imagine the range of experiences that are coming their way, let alone the experiences themselves.

Each one an incredible patch of road. Some rough ones, some smooth, some clouded, some with incredible vistas.

Here we are at two. The me of two years younger is so excited to share ice cream cake with Shimmy La tonight. The me of today is feeling so blessed to be here at all.

Happy Birthday Simon Lev

Gooood Morning Birthday Boy

Family Bed

Post Birthday Strawberry