Thursday, February 8, 2018

Simon's 2017 Funnies

Here's a compilation of his funniest moments last year:

Context: we are a very physically affectionate family, very playful and don’t spank for punishment but do spank each other playfully a lot.

Simon is eating breakfast and watching TV. Laura jumps up from couch next to him and runs into kitchen (within view of Simon) to grab a quick full body snuggle with me, complete with a butt grab.
Simon: Spank it!
Laura and I: *laugh*
Laura: *little spank on my butt*
Simon: Harder!
Laura and I: Um...
Simon: Mommy! Spank your wife!
Me: *If anyone outside of this house heard this, we are so getting a call from CPS*
Brought home rose Turkish Delight tonight bc Simon has been obsessed with The Chronicles of Narnia.
We all tasted it.
Me: It tastes like soap.
Laura: Yep. Like rose soap.
Simon: It tastes...Narnian.
And, just like that, food snobs of Oakland have a new adjective.
You're welcome.
Simon: Mama, can I get this eggplant?
Me: What are you going to do with it?
Simon: Pan fry it.
Me: That sounds delicious.
Me: *remembering many items purchased and not eaten*
Me: Simon, what do I get if I buy this for you and cook it and you don't eat it?
Simon: Uh...You get to slap me.
Me: *thinking*
Me: That sounds fair.
What one wears to see "Thor".

Post movie:
Me: who was your favorite character?
Simon: Hela. She was hella good. Get it?!
Walking dog with Simon, each of us equipped with the requisite Harry Potter wand.
Simon: *bleats like goat*
Simon: *points wand at something*
Simon: "Alohah-ah-ah-amoh-oh-oh-r-ah-ah-ah"
Simon: I'm a goat! I'm a wizard! I'm a gizzard!
Highlight of the weekend
Simon: "Mama, can we listen to the Screaming Goat Complain-a-thon on YouTube?"
Me: "Uh, yeah! That sounds amazing!"
Me: *fruitlessly searching*
Laura: "Simon, do you mean 'compilation'?"
Simon: "Yes!"
Me: *pouting *

The first version sounded way funnier.
Simon : Who is Joan Jett? (He often asks questions he knows the answers to)
Laura: Simon, you know who she is. How would you describe her?
Simon: Strong, legendary and tough. And she's a fighter.
Laura and I: Um. Wow. Pretty much. Yeah.
Two minutes after I walk out of Simon's room thinking he's soundly asleep, he opens his door, stands there scowling with a toy pistol in his hand and angrily proclaims "Worst sleep EVER!"

Drama King.
Simon: Can you be a valley wizard?
Me: Oh Mah Gah. She is like, *so* Hufflepuff. Ew.
Breaking in his new tuxedo jacket by hawking gelt at Trader Joes. Seriously. He parked himself there and offered gelt to everyone that passed by for a full 15 minutes.

Simon: I have a crush on Miley Cyrus.
Me: (inside)
Me: (outside) Oh! What do you like about her?
Simon: The power that she presents.
Me: (inside and outside)
Me: "Simon, what's your favorite thing about Mommy?"
Simon: "When she's on call at Summit hospital"
Laura and I: Uh....ok. Let's try again.
Laura: "What's your favorite thing about Mama?"
Simon : "When she goes to work"
Laura and I: "Twerp".
Spider Bobby about to report for duty at the Dickens Faire
A little regret that we watched a video of a goat delivering triplets. Simon's new "popcorn" word of the week is vagina. As in, we were just mock battling and he threatened to smack me with a...vagina.
Hey, at least I can stand proud as a former sex ed teacher that he knows the proper word, right?
Me: *driving*
Simon from the backseat: "Do otters have a big ole vagina?"
Me: *Nearly running off the road*
Me: *hysterical laughter*
Me: "Nope, I think they're pretty small."
My contribution to the marches for science. Anatomy is science, right?
When Laura and I got home from seeing Get Out:
Me: Simon, Mommy and I went to see a really scary movie.
Simon: Did it have hunters?
Me: Um, actually, yes.

*in my brain*:
You are *hella* creepy dude. How did you vibe the perfect word to describe those crazy ass people while not hearing a single thing about that movie and me not even saying the name of the movie?

Walked Simon into YMCA spring break camp this morning and a twenty-something young man watched him with a super sweet little smile on his face. I said "you could start your day like this" and he shook his head a little. He said "I used to be that person". I responded "you still are!" And my heart broke a little that someone so young already felt like the real him had no place in the world. 💔 Let your freak flag fly, people.
Simon: You know where I want to work?
Me: No, where?
Simon: The White House!
Me: Cool! What is your job going to be?
Simon: I'm going to work *for* racism and the Imperius Curse
Me: Well, you'd be in very good company right now.
Sometimes Simon's word salad is freakishly spot on. The word of the day is "homophobia" ( no idea why or from where- never heard him use it before today). He can't articulate that he knows what it means, but he just said, "Do you know what homophobia can do? It can make people go back in time ". Um, yeah. That's pretty much it.
Best part of my day was picking up Simon from camp (no small thing since I had Homeless Court today which I love). One of Simon's verbal "tapes" is to randomly generate codes. Today as we were walking out, one of his counselors said "Hey Simon! What's the code?". Simon authoritatively answered "247". The counselor nodded and replied "got it".
I realized this has happened every day I've picked him up.
Nothing better than seeing my son fly his freak flag high and getting to witness someone salute it.
Simon: How about we listen to"Barbie Girl"?
Laura : I'd really rather not. That song makes me a little nuts
Simon: Well, it doesn't make me go nuts. That song is my jam...always.

Yes that's the Torah and yes, that's Wonder Woman gear. 

They were letting the kids help with rolling the Torah at Hebrew School and he had a very specific place he wanted it stopped so he could pretend to read it. Of course we want to know what the text said where he stopped. 

This child. 

He's some kind of magic.
Talking about racism and whiteness with a kid on the spectrum is at best...dicey.

Laura and I: *blah blah racism, black, native, MLK, Black Panthers, blah, blah unfair, protest, angry, blah, blah, white people, speak up, responsibility, blah, blah*
Simon : *says something showing he mostly followed what we were saying*
Laura and I: *exhaling*
Five minutes later...
Simon : *echolelia smorgasbord of phrases about racism strung together into KKK worthy statement*
Laura and I: "We are so going to get a call from the principal "
In keeping with his current obsession with placentas (thank you Bear Grylls and Shaq), Simon's imaginary new robot is "Placentron".
I present...Mosquito Warrior. His super power is that he controls mosquitoes with the snap of his fingers.
Also, he just said to me "Mama, you know I'm a fighter, not a lover, right?" For real.

Keeping the streets safe.
Simon always bogarts my bone broth but now he asks me to put it in his Butterbeer cup (from Harry Potter world) and proudly calls it "Chicken Beer" as he chugs it.
Simon's parting words to me from the back seat as he and Laura dropped me off at the airport as I left for England was a fervent "God Save The Queen"!
I love that my Mom gave us a book about how to celebrate the Solstice with kids as a Solstice present.
I also loved this moment:
Mom: “Who wears black and white and red and gives out presents?”
Simon: “Bhagavati!”
That’s about as multi-cultural as it gets.

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