Simon: Jesus said to drink three beers in the morning
Me: Why?
Simon: To keep your health up.
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Simon walked into the room holding a full pint of ice cream and asked, “Can I eat it from the container? It’s called emotional eating”.
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Substitute paraprofessional for Simon this morning. Showed up late and I had to just throw her in with very little info about him. She just got introduced to his imaginary friend “Captain Torture”. This might not be the day she expected.
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Simon: Can you go get me something to eat?
Me: Sure, what are you going to give me for doing that for you?
Simon: Uh, money?
Me: No. How about a compliment
Simon: Uh, you’re really good at staying in Zoom meetings?
Me:
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Simon HATES compliments and is quite...goth. This resulted in my statement “you’re the best baby we could have gotten” getting edited to an acceptable “you’re the best
demon baby we could have gotten from Hell”.
Parenting is FULL of me saying things I never could have imagined.
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Simon: I want a new pet. I’m looking for an animal that has human teeth. Like a fish.
Me: Okay, that’s a week’s worth of nightmares.
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New joke from Simon:
What do you say at the end of Sukkot?
So long sukkahs!
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This is how it’s going at my house:
Me: What do you want for lunch?
Simon: *angrily*. Blood.
Me: Huh. Ok. How would you like your blood?
Simon: Poisoned
ETA: Landed on Matzo/charoset/bacon sandwich. Some poor rabbi somewhere just felt a stabbing pain in their heart.
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Simon lost a tooth yesterday (3rd in a week!)
This morning he pulled back his pillow, picked up the dollar and matter of factly proclaimed, “Satan”.
Only my kid could make a visit from the tooth fairy goth.
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Simon: Have you ever heard of edible Bandaids?
Me: *heave*
Me: Ew. No.
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Lying in bed with Simon
He starts pretending like I’m a puppy.
After a few minutes of playing, he puts his hand on my forehead.
Simon: I’m checking your temperature
Me: Oh, do I have a fever?
Simon: No.
Simon: *matter of factly* You don’t have to get put down.
Me: Oh! That’s great news
Me:
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Me: Ok, I’m going to go start working in the other room.
Simon: Can’t you do it out here?
Me: No but you can come in here with me
Simon: No! You out here. The power of God compels you!
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Simon: Did you know the Corona virus is my Dad? When I vaccinated I’ll be able to talk to God!
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Kid is on brand as always.
Laura: Your friend Ardalon dedicated the first night of Hanukkah to kindness. Do you want to dedicate it to anything?
Simon: The Fires of Hell.
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Simon is in his room playing with his respite worker.
A car alarm goes off outside.
A few seconds later I hear Simon yell “YOU ARE INTERRUPTING MY RESPITE!”
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Simon: Xena and The Mandalorian would make a bad ass couple.
Me: Language! Also, totally.
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Simon: There’s a crucifix
Me: Do you know what a crucifix is?
Simon: No
Me: so you’ve heard of Jesus, right? He was a real man who got killed by being hung up on a cross until he died. Pretty brutal.
Simon: So he died?
Me: Yes. Christians believe he came back to life 3 days later
Simon: Like a zombie?
Me: *can’t stop laughing long enough to get an answer out*
Me: *catching my breath*
Me: Not exactly...but kind of.
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“I’m Dreadie Mercury. His weakness is taking the wrong medication”. - Simon with his typical creepy punny charm.
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“My Freak Flag is made of hot lava”- Simon
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Simon has coined the official word of the pandemic.
“Fearstration”
Is there a more perfect word to describe our current moment? I think not.
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Teacher: At the end of class, we’re going to do some voting for class elections
Simon: I’m going to run for “Crime Boss”.
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Simon: *eating breakfast I cooked for him*
Simon: I wish I had rations
Me: What? What does rations mean to you?
Simon: Canned food. Like in Kong: Skull Island
Me: *I am NOT going to take this as commentary on my cooking*
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Context: Simon has taken to saying his name is Satan, as he includes him in his pantheon of villains he likes to identify with when he’s angry, frustrated or even just playing around.
This literally just happened.
Simon: *speaking rudely to me*
Me: Do you ever get what you want when you talk to me like that?
Simon: *angrily* YES
Me: Not today Satan!
It just kind of slipped out. Don’t judge.
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OMG. Just overheard on Simon’s morning social group check in.
Teacher: How are you feeling this morning?
Simon: Furry
Student 1: Fluffy
Student 2: Hey [teacher], have you ever heard of Furry culture?
Teacher: No, should I go look it up?
Me: *in my head* Oh, Teach, you sweet fella. Definitely do NOT look that up on a shared screen.
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Roughhousing with Simon in his bed this morning.
Simon: Will you body slam me?
Me: *body slams him WWF style*
Simon: *hysterical laughter muffled by my full weight on him*
Simon: I think you broke my sensory.
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Me: *on phone*
Simon: Shut it off! King George said no electronics!
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“My IPad isn’t working. Must be the Coronavirus.”- Simon
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"I'm not a consequence kind of guy. I'm more of a trickster sort of kid. "
- Simon
Truer words were never spoken.
