Went to Kol Nidre services tonight. Simon was NOT having it and was in a super foul mood. Suddenly at one point he stopped grumping and this happened:
Simon: "I just got a message from God!"
Me: "Uh, wow! What is it?"
Simon: "He said to chill. He said to take a chill pill."
From God's mouth to your ears, child.
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Simon was joking around and used the phrase “psychologically stinky”. I started to tell him that didn’t make sense and then realized it was genius. Don’t we all know someone who is psychologically stinky?
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Simon: Can we purchase this?
Me: Nope. We're not purchasing today.
Simon: Maybe I should s-h-o-p-l-i-f-t?
Me: Great spelling but, NOPE.
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This morning, as I was cuddling in bed with Simon:
Me: Okay, I'm going to go stretch.
Simon: You better go stretch...till you retch
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Simon: Do you know what TV show I'd be on?
Us: No, what show?
Simon: Psycho Junior
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"I am 100% that squirrel."- Simon
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Motek did the unthinkable tonight on his walk and ate a lot of gross brown stuff that shall remain unnamed. He just walked by us, still smelling a little funky, and Simon yelled out "Face Sewer!"
And, just like that, a new insult entered my lexicon.
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Simon’s go-to bedtime listening is YouTube “Funny Talking Animals” videos. Also, lately anytime anyone swears, or says a word that includes a swear word (like “ASSign”), he puts them on the “Naughty List”. Last night as he and I were laying in bed to go to sleep, I kept saying all the alternatives to swear words and then finally said the “naughty” one and he’d bust me and put me on the Naughty List. It’s finally time to fall asleep and Simon says, “Mama, can you play Fucking Talking Animals?”, gasps because he didn’t actually mean to swear, bursts into hysterical laughter and promptly puts himself on the naughty list.
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Simon's newest villian is Hurt Copain
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Fishing in the middle of the lake and boat is really rocking from the wind.
Simon: "Who is rocking the boat?"
Me: *in a booming voice* "The hand of God!"
Simon: "Which God?"
Polytheism for the win!
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My child wants to sleep with a packet of relish. In addition to a dagger. No on the relish. What kind of a house does he think this is?
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Watching The Wizard of Oz.
Wicked Witch melts into a puddle.
Simon shouts out "Bye Felicia!"
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Other parents might be a bit...put off...by their child insisting on sleeping with both a metal sword AND a dagger in their bed, but if you're in the middle of listening to Game of Thrones, this just seems like a good idea.
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Yesterday Simon had a cooking class through an org called Coachart, for kids with special needs/medical challenges. They were making handmade pasta and as Simon was working with the dough, he turned and said, “Hey, I’m ‘special kneading!’”
We have to get this boy a mic and a stage. Stand up is a real job, right?
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"You know what they call me? Little Dead Riding Hood".
The goth is strong in this one.
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Simon love to schmork two words together to create a new word that captures both. He just got home from camp tonight and Laura asked if he took a bath/shower while he was gone. The answer was no.
Laura: Are you camp stinky?
Simon: Kinky?!
Us:😳🤐😂
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Simon just came back from a weekend away a camp. He's being mean to us because he misses camp. We talked about working on re-entry from camp since he's going away again next weekend. Simon replied, "The only kind of entry I do is a DRAMATIC entry".
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If you want to know what kind of Jews we are: our son just asked for a Matzo sandwich...with bacon jam
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Simon has been extra surly this week. He was just on a monologue about how if he had super powers he’d use it for killing.
Me: You’ve sure been in a dark space this week.
Simon: *scowling*
Simon: Don’t give me any compliments!
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Simon’s current perseveration is the substitution of “bleep” into the middle of almost any sentence to make it sound like he’s swearing. It’s mostly annoying. Sometimes it’s freaking hilarious. This just happened:
*Me trying to convince Laura that I have a few ringlets. (Laura has some SUPER curly-haired ex’s)*
Laura to me: You forget who I’ve been with. Who I’ve dated.
Simon: Who you’ve “bleeped”!
What terrible people have been raising this child!?
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Laura and Simon watching cartoons.
Simon farts.
Simon: That just came from my Animaniass!
#parentingwin
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New jokes, inspired by Looney Tunes playing in the background.
What did Bugs Bunny say to the Olympian?
What’s up, Jock?
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What did Bugs Bunny say to Captain Hook’s mortal enemy?
What’s up, Croc?
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Simon just gave Laura Fitch the superhero name of "Gay Blade".
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Me: Simon, look at that pile of CDs on the sidewalk. Do you want any?
Simon: What's a CD?
Me: Hah! You're funny. What do you mean what's a CD? Wait…Oh my God.
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Simon used the phrase "waxie the cracksie" this morning when our friend mentioned a spa while talking on Facetime.
Where the hell is this kid hanging out when he's not with us?
Cuz it sounds fun.
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Our Oakland Brony as heard this morning:
"I'll knock the Gucci out of Everypony"
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Child of lesbians:
"Where did Motek [our dog] live before he was with us? Who was his donor?"
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Simon's newest catch phrase used ad nauseum is "I'm so over it/that". Been making me nuts until last night when someone mentioned the Mango Menace on TV and Simon immediately declared "I'm SO over Donald Trump".
Amen, little man. Join the club.
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New joke.
Punchline created by Simon, inspired by Animaniacs.
What do you call a shrink who can’t help you with your problems?
A suck-chiatrist.
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New joke
What's the official fruit of the Red Cross?
Blood orange
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New joke.
Crafted from Simon’s wordschmork.
What’s a nerd’s favorite kind of candy?
Dork chocolate.
Crafted from Simon’s wordschmork.
What’s a nerd’s favorite kind of candy?
Dork chocolate.
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We just watched Zorro. He's still on horror movie villians. So, naturally...
"The Mighty Horro".
I'm sure there is an adult film out there with the same title and slightly different spelling...
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Where did homicidal maniacs play as children?
A slayground
(Credit to Simon for joking around during his spelling homework and coming up with the word “slayground”)
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As per Simon’s Hebrew school aide. (They were doing a lesson about gender today)
Aide: Simon, you can move onto the next activity but before you do, I want you to tell me one thing you want to get rid of about gender.
Simon: *looking them dead in the face*
Simon: There is no gender.
Aide: Alright then. Our work here is done.
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New joke inspired by Simon
Who do ghosts see about their crooked teeth?
An orthohauntist
Who do ghosts see about their crooked teeth?
An orthohauntist
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Simon's insult of the week, inexplicably, is "Coal Miner".
Perhaps it’s the economic equivalent of "OK, Boomer"?
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