Thursday, December 31, 2020

Simon's Funnies 2020

Simon: Jesus said to drink three beers in the morning

Me: Why?

Simon: To keep your health up.


Simon walked into the room holding a full pint of ice cream and asked, “Can I eat it from the container? It’s called emotional eating”.


Substitute paraprofessional for Simon this morning. Showed up late and I had to just throw her in with very little info about him.  She just got introduced to his imaginary friend “Captain Torture”.  This might not be the day she expected.


Simon: Can you go get me something to eat?

Me: Sure, what are you going to give me for doing that for you?

Simon: Uh, money?

Me: No. How about a compliment

Simon: Uh, you’re really good at staying in Zoom meetings?

Me: 🤣


Simon HATES compliments and is quite...goth.  This resulted in my statement “you’re the best baby we could have gotten” getting edited to an acceptable “you’re the best

demon baby we could have gotten from Hell”. 

Parenting is FULL of me saying things I never could have imagined.


Simon: I want a new pet. I’m looking for an animal that has human teeth.  Like a fish.

Me: Okay, that’s a week’s worth of nightmares.


New joke from Simon:

What do you say at the end of Sukkot?

So long sukkahs!


This is how it’s going at my house:

Me:  What do you want for lunch?

Simon: *angrily*. Blood.

Me:   Huh. Ok. How would you like your blood?

Simon: Poisoned

ETA: Landed on Matzo/charoset/bacon sandwich.  Some poor rabbi somewhere just felt a stabbing pain in their heart.


Simon lost a tooth yesterday (3rd in a week!)

This morning he pulled back his pillow, picked up the dollar and matter of factly proclaimed, “Satan”. 

Only my kid could make a visit from the tooth fairy goth.


Simon: Have you ever heard of edible Bandaids?

Me: *heave*

Me: Ew. No.


Lying in bed with Simon

He starts pretending like I’m a puppy.

After a few minutes of playing,  he puts his hand on my forehead.

Simon: I’m checking your temperature

Me: Oh, do I have a fever?

Simon:  No. 

Simon: *matter of factly*  You don’t have to get put down.

Me: Oh! That’s great news

Me: 😬


Me: Ok, I’m going to go start working in the other room.

Simon: Can’t you do it out here?

Me: No but you can come in here with me

Simon:  No! You out here. The power of God compels you!


Simon: Did you know the Corona virus is my Dad?  When I vaccinated I’ll be able to talk to God!


Kid is on brand as always.

Laura: Your friend Ardalon dedicated the first night of Hanukkah to kindness. Do you want to dedicate it to anything?

Simon: The Fires of Hell.


Simon is in his room playing with his respite worker.

A car alarm goes off outside.

A few seconds later I hear Simon yell “YOU ARE INTERRUPTING MY RESPITE!” 



Simon: Xena and The Mandalorian would make a bad ass couple.

Me:  Language! Also, totally.


Simon: There’s a crucifix

Me: Do you know what a crucifix is?

Simon: No

Me: so you’ve heard of Jesus, right?  He was a real man who got killed by being hung up on a cross until he died.  Pretty brutal.

Simon: So he died?

Me: Yes. Christians believe he came back to life 3 days later

Simon: Like a zombie?

Me: *can’t stop laughing long enough to get an answer out*

Me: *catching my breath*

Me: Not exactly...but kind of.


“I’m Dreadie Mercury.  His weakness is taking the wrong medication”. - Simon with his typical creepy punny charm.


“My Freak Flag is made of hot lava”- Simon


Simon has coined the official word of the pandemic.


Is there a more perfect word to describe our current moment?  I think not.


Teacher: At the end of class, we’re going to do some voting for class elections

Simon: I’m going to run for “Crime Boss”.


Simon: *eating breakfast I cooked for him*

Simon: I wish I had rations

Me: What? What does rations mean to you?

Simon: Canned food. Like in Kong: Skull Island

Me: *I am NOT going to take this as commentary on my cooking*


Context: Simon has taken to saying his name is Satan, as he includes him in his pantheon of villains he likes to identify with when he’s angry, frustrated or even just playing around.

This literally just happened. 

Simon: *speaking rudely to me*

Me: Do you ever get what you want when you talk to me like that?

Simon: *angrily* YES

Me: Not today Satan!

It just kind of slipped out.  Don’t judge.


OMG.  Just overheard on Simon’s morning social group check in.

Teacher: How are you feeling this morning?

Simon: Furry

Student 1: Fluffy

Student 2: Hey [teacher], have you ever heard of Furry culture?

Teacher: No, should I go look it up?

Me: *in my head* Oh, Teach, you sweet fella. Definitely do NOT look that up on a shared screen.


Roughhousing with Simon in his bed this morning.

Simon: Will you body slam me?

Me: *body slams him WWF style*

Simon: *hysterical laughter muffled by my full weight on him*

Simon: I think you broke my sensory.


Me: *on phone*

Simon: Shut it off! King George said no electronics!


“My IPad isn’t working. Must be the Coronavirus.”- Simon


"I'm not a consequence kind of guy.  I'm more of a trickster sort of kid. "

- Simon

Truer words were never spoken.


Tuesday, December 31, 2019

Simon’s 2019 Funnies

Went to Kol Nidre services tonight. Simon was NOT having it and was in a super foul mood. Suddenly at one point he stopped grumping and this happened:
Simon: "I just got a message from God!"
Me: "Uh, wow! What is it?"
Simon: "He said to chill. He said to take a chill pill."

From God's mouth to your ears, child.
Simon was joking around and used the phrase “psychologically stinky”. I started to tell him that didn’t make sense and then realized it was genius. Don’t we all know someone who is psychologically stinky?
Simon: Can we purchase this?
Me: Nope. We're not purchasing today.
Simon: Maybe I should s-h-o-p-l-i-f-t?
Me: Great spelling but, NOPE.
This morning, as I was cuddling in bed with Simon:
Me: Okay, I'm going to go stretch.
Simon: You better go stretch...till you retch
Simon: Do you know what TV show I'd be on?
Us: No, what show?
Simon: Psycho Junior
"I am 100% that squirrel."- Simon
Motek did the unthinkable tonight on his walk and ate a lot of gross brown stuff that shall remain unnamed. He just walked by us, still smelling a little funky, and Simon yelled out "Face Sewer!"

And, just like that, a new insult entered my lexicon.
Simon’s go-to bedtime listening is YouTube “Funny Talking Animals” videos. Also, lately anytime anyone swears, or says a word that includes a swear word (like “ASSign”), he puts them on the “Naughty List”. Last night as he and I were laying in bed to go to sleep, I kept saying all the alternatives to swear words and then finally said the “naughty” one and he’d bust me and put me on the Naughty List. It’s finally time to fall asleep and Simon says, “Mama, can you play Fucking Talking Animals?”, gasps because he didn’t actually mean to swear, bursts into hysterical laughter and promptly puts himself on the naughty list.
Simon's newest villian is Hurt Copain
Fishing in the middle of the lake and boat is really rocking from the wind.
Simon: "Who is rocking the boat?"
Me: *in a booming voice* "The hand of God!"
Simon: "Which God?"

Polytheism for the win!
My child wants to sleep with a packet of relish. In addition to a dagger. No on the relish. What kind of a house does he think this is?
Watching The Wizard of Oz.

Wicked Witch melts into a puddle.

Simon shouts out "Bye Felicia!"
Other parents might be a bit...put their child insisting on sleeping with both a metal sword AND a dagger in their bed, but if you're in the middle of listening to Game of Thrones, this just seems like a good idea.
Yesterday Simon had a cooking class through an org called Coachart, for kids with special needs/medical challenges. They were making handmade pasta and as Simon was working with the dough, he turned and said, “Hey, I’m ‘special kneading!’”

We have to get this boy a mic and a stage. Stand up is a real job, right?
"You know what they call me? Little Dead Riding Hood".

The goth is strong in this one.
Simon love to schmork two words together to create a new word that captures both. He just got home from camp tonight and Laura asked if he took a bath/shower while he was gone. The answer was no. 

Laura: Are you camp stinky?
Simon: Kinky?!
Simon just came back from a weekend away a camp. He's being mean to us because he misses camp. We talked about working on re-entry from camp since he's going away again next weekend. Simon replied, "The only kind of entry I do is a DRAMATIC entry".
If you want to know what kind of Jews we are: our son just asked for a Matzo sandwich...with bacon jam
Simon has been extra surly this week. He was just on a monologue about how if he had super powers he’d use it for killing.

Me: You’ve sure been in a dark space this week.
Simon: *scowling*
Simon: Don’t give me any compliments!
Simon’s current perseveration is the substitution of “bleep” into the middle of almost any sentence to make it sound like he’s swearing. It’s mostly annoying. Sometimes it’s freaking hilarious.  This just happened:
*Me trying to convince Laura that I have a few ringlets. (Laura has some SUPER curly-haired ex’s)*
Laura to me: You forget who I’ve been with. Who I’ve dated.
Simon: Who you’ve “bleeped”!

What terrible people have been raising this child!?
Laura and Simon watching cartoons.
Simon farts.
Simon: That just came from my Animaniass!
New jokes, inspired by Looney Tunes playing in the background.

What did Bugs Bunny say to the Olympian?
What’s up, Jock?
What did Bugs Bunny say to Captain Hook’s mortal enemy?
What’s up, Croc?
Simon just gave Laura Fitch the superhero name of "Gay Blade".
Me: Simon, look at that pile of CDs on the sidewalk. Do you want any?
Simon: What's a CD?
Me: Hah! You're funny. What do you mean what's a CD? Wait…Oh my God.
Simon used the phrase "waxie the cracksie" this morning when our friend mentioned a spa while talking on Facetime.

Where the hell is this kid hanging out when he's not with us?
Cuz it sounds fun.
Our Oakland Brony as heard this morning:
"I'll knock the Gucci out of Everypony"
Child of lesbians:
"Where did Motek [our dog] live before he was with us? Who was his donor?"
Simon's newest catch phrase used ad nauseum is "I'm so over it/that". Been making me nuts until last night when someone mentioned the Mango Menace on TV and Simon immediately declared "I'm SO over Donald Trump".

Amen, little man. Join the club.
New joke.
Punchline created by Simon, inspired by Animaniacs.

What do you call a shrink who can’t help you with your problems?
A suck-chiatrist.
New joke

What's the official fruit of the Red Cross?
Blood orange
New joke.
Crafted from Simon’s wordschmork.

What’s a nerd’s favorite kind of candy?
Dork chocolate.
We just watched Zorro. He's still on horror movie villians. So, naturally...

"The Mighty Horro".

I'm sure there is an adult film out there with the same title and slightly different spelling...
Where did homicidal maniacs play as children?
A slayground

(Credit to Simon for joking around during his spelling homework and coming up with the word “slayground”)
As per Simon’s Hebrew school aide. (They were doing a lesson about gender today)

Aide: Simon, you can move onto the next activity but before you do, I want you to tell me one thing you want to get rid of about gender.
Simon: *looking them dead in the face*
Simon: There is no gender.
Aide: Alright then. Our work here is done.
New joke inspired by Simon
Who do ghosts see about their crooked teeth?
An orthohauntist
Simon's insult of the week, inexplicably, is "Coal Miner".
Perhaps it’s the economic equivalent of "OK, Boomer"?

Sunday, April 14, 2019

Anniversary of Liberation

Laura and I do a lot of marking of anniversaries in our family; when we started dating, when we got married, when we got married legally, when Simon was diagnosed with cardiomyopathy, our dog’s birthday, etc.  Today is one of the most joyful for me because it marks one of the hardest and most healing decisions I’ve ever made.  

Two years ago today, I faced my deep, paralyzing fear and decided to finally try an anti-depressant. This decision change my life in a way that is as profound as marrying Laura and becoming a parent.  

I don’t think anyone had any inkling of how much I had been suffering, particularly with anxiety.   My wife, with whom I share EVERYTHING, didn’t even know.  I wasn’t trying to hide it. I didn’t even think to talk about it because it was just the relentless background noise that I lived with my whole life. In the year before I started meds, I started to casually mention some of the crazy anxious ticker tape that constantly ran through my head to Laura and I was shocked by how much she was shocked. I was like a frog in a pot that didn’t know I was being boiled alive by my brain. 

In the year before I started meds, the wheels started to fall off.  I found myself overwhelmingly depressed about my anxiety and anxious about my depression.  I moved past exhausted and annoyed to scared.  Really scared.  I don’t know how much it showed because I had spent my whole life functioning on top of it, but it was not good. 

I got a prescription for meds, filled the prescription and promptly let the bottle sit in our medicine cabinet for 6 months.  I’d look at it longingly on bad days but pushed myself to handle the feelings myself.  Breaking down and taking meds felt like giving up.  Like admitting I wasn’t strong enough to handle my shit. It was exhausting. 

I finally got to a point where I thought “whatever I fear about meds can’t be worse than how I feel”.  That point is called desperation.  It was a back-up-against-a-wall, little-kid-cowering-in-a-corner-to-avoid-a-shot kind of decision. And I made it.  I cried with relief that the decision was made- it was done.

Literally the next day it was like someone turned on the lights. There were colors and birds chirping and a PROFOUND feeling of calm. I thought it must be a placebo effect because I had always heard that it takes weeks to get up to an effect on SSRI’s but they started me on Zoloft which can work immediately for some folks.  That was me.  By brain gobbled those meds like Pac Man.  It was complete and total magic.  I know that is not everyone’s experience, by far, but glory hallelujah it’s been mine.

I still feel blue sometimes and I still feel anxious, but it’s PASSING.  It doesn’t live here.  I’ll go through one crazy “what if” catastrophic scenario and then it’s done.  And I laugh and go “ha ha, Brain! I saw that”.  And go on about my life.  I don’t have to use all my energy to wrestle the alligator of my brain that relentlessly wants to drag me into the swamp. 

At least once a week now a situation presents itself where I’m almost brought to tears because I realize how much of an impact it has on my life not to be disabled by anxiety and depression.  I really was disabled.  It kept me from doing things I otherwise would have tried and wore me down to dust.  Just as someone with a hearing impairment may use hearing aids to fully participate in the world, or someone missing a limb may use a prothetic limb, I’ve gotten totally clear that my brain needed an SSRI.  

I feel ZERO shame about it.  Shame and fear is what kept me suffering for decades.  I’m still mourning all that time and energy and attention lost to trying to tune out the 10 piece marching band of anxiety playing 24/7 behind me.  I mourn the years I was unable to FEEL the bounty and beauty of my life, even when I could see it clearly with my eyes.  My heart couldn’t. My brain didn’t have what it needed to transmit the message to my core.

On this glorious day, I am so grateful for my sense of self preservation that overrode the mean, judgmental, terrified lady in my head. On that day, I picked ME.  I picked life. I picked a healing path that has led me to have two of the best years of my life.  And I made a decision to TALK ABOUT my decision because fear and shame thrive in the dark. I was inspired to make my decision by friends who were open about their struggles and what trying meds meant for them. Their honesty made it possible for me to make one of the most healing decisions of my life. 

Depression and anxiety are at almost epidemic proportions right now.  For some of us it’s biochemical, for others it's environmental, and for lots of us it may be both.  Meds are not for everyone, for sure.  There are lots of other things to help with anxiety and depression and for some people that’s enough.  Yea for you!  Sincerely! 

But, I tried all those and found myself exhausted from all the fruitless “self-care” I was doing. It left me feeling like a failure, like I just wasn’t self-caring well enough.  Part of why I’m so public about my path is because I want to destigmatize medication as an option.  To me, it felt like a cop out or a failure or like I was some rube suckered by pharmaceutical companies that just wanted to make millions off my weakness. But it turns out, it was exactly what I needed. 

I’m grateful for Kaiser Permanente for their very effective mental health screenings that flagged that it was time for me to make a hard decision.  I’m grateful for all the people in my life who have been honest about their mental health journeys, including their experience with meds.  I’m grateful for my family who has loved and supported me and helped give me a life that I could objectively tell was great even when my heart couldn’t feel it.  And I’m especially grateful for my wife who created a container where I could share the scariest stuff without feeling judged and who encouraged me to make the most healing choices possible.  

I’m grateful for life, ya’ll!  I couldn’t say that two years ago but I can say it today with all the honesty and meaning and heart I have to give.