Sunday, November 19, 2023

Untitled (written 8/30/2008)


Death is sleeping gently

Outside the window

Holding vigil with us

As the baby tosses and turns

Tangled up in fate

Some mornings rays shine in clean and clear

Other mornings the light dims

Mottled and blurred by nose prints

Left from her watchfulness

She sits patiently

Holding her post

As threads

Wind and weave

When they pull apart

Like spider webs brushed by a shoulder

She opens her old, strong arms

To catch and soothe the spirits as they


Lost without a body

Some mornings

I nod to her and carry on about my business

Other mornings

I press my face to the window

Peer out

Eyes squinting

With equal parts

Malice and gratitude

If his ties begin to bind and cut


I will rap on the window

Call to her and


I hope that day will never come

But now I know her

I felt her fingers on my shoulder that night

And was oddly comforted to know

We are not alone

Parchment (Written 3/14/22)


Yesterday a “guess your age app” pegged me at 61.

I’m 44.

I felt a brief, familiar cloud

Pass across my spirit

The mist of misogyny


As it does

And just behind the cumulus

Was the voice of a thousand crones

Reminding me that faces

Are nothing more than parchment

On which stories etch themselves

10,000 moments of joy

Have creased my eyes

Nearly to my hairline

Deepened the dreaded


Into a double rainbow

A warning of my easy laugh

The ripples across my forehead

Reflect years of expressive listening

Of goofing and performing

Silly and glittering on a burlesque stage

My freckles tell tales of

Summer camps and Hawaiian vacations

Of my Welsh blood

Striving to belong in sunny California

The furrows between my eyes

Document the sleepless hours

Spent in an ICU

And years watching the rise and fall of my son’s chest


The thought has crossed my mind

To fill, to freeze, to stretch

To wipe clean the slate

But the crone call is louder

Reminding me

Age is a luxury

An honor

A gift

And my face a badge

To be worn proudly

And so I will laugh and frown and twist my face into pretzels for a laugh

I will let the call of life

Drown out the siren

Warning of my impending obsolescence

Because I know the truth

My face reflects my heart

My trials and my roots

This punim is a gift to the world

Just as it is

- Jaime Jenett (c) 2020

Relentless (written 4/20/21)

 Written last night after hearing of the murder of Ma’Khia Bryant by police- it happened within minutes of the Chauvin verdict being announced.


This country’s appetite

For bent




Black and Brown bodies

Is relentless

Pearly hard enamel

Riot shields

Tyvek vests


Hiding rot


Broken boys and girls

In suits and boots

Who were lied to

Told they inherited the earth

And given guns and gavels

To stand their ground

Sharp picks

In the aftermath

digging deep

Into tender places

Drawing blood and little mercy

And rarely a just verdict

Arms up

In surrender

In protest

In prayer

To just make it fucking stop

For one day.

And then another.

And another.

Until the legacy

Of our country



Beating back

White supremacy

Is as long and proud and statued

As the wicked, bloody one

We’ve paid tribute to

For far too long.

-Jaime Jenett


Thursday, December 31, 2020

Simon's Funnies 2020

Simon: Jesus said to drink three beers in the morning

Me: Why?

Simon: To keep your health up.


Simon walked into the room holding a full pint of ice cream and asked, “Can I eat it from the container? It’s called emotional eating”.


Substitute paraprofessional for Simon this morning. Showed up late and I had to just throw her in with very little info about him.  She just got introduced to his imaginary friend “Captain Torture”.  This might not be the day she expected.


Simon: Can you go get me something to eat?

Me: Sure, what are you going to give me for doing that for you?

Simon: Uh, money?

Me: No. How about a compliment

Simon: Uh, you’re really good at staying in Zoom meetings?

Me: 🤣


Simon HATES compliments and is quite...goth.  This resulted in my statement “you’re the best baby we could have gotten” getting edited to an acceptable “you’re the best

demon baby we could have gotten from Hell”. 

Parenting is FULL of me saying things I never could have imagined.


Simon: I want a new pet. I’m looking for an animal that has human teeth.  Like a fish.

Me: Okay, that’s a week’s worth of nightmares.


New joke from Simon:

What do you say at the end of Sukkot?

So long sukkahs!


This is how it’s going at my house:

Me:  What do you want for lunch?

Simon: *angrily*. Blood.

Me:   Huh. Ok. How would you like your blood?

Simon: Poisoned

ETA: Landed on Matzo/charoset/bacon sandwich.  Some poor rabbi somewhere just felt a stabbing pain in their heart.


Simon lost a tooth yesterday (3rd in a week!)

This morning he pulled back his pillow, picked up the dollar and matter of factly proclaimed, “Satan”. 

Only my kid could make a visit from the tooth fairy goth.


Simon: Have you ever heard of edible Bandaids?

Me: *heave*

Me: Ew. No.


Lying in bed with Simon

He starts pretending like I’m a puppy.

After a few minutes of playing,  he puts his hand on my forehead.

Simon: I’m checking your temperature

Me: Oh, do I have a fever?

Simon:  No. 

Simon: *matter of factly*  You don’t have to get put down.

Me: Oh! That’s great news

Me: 😬


Me: Ok, I’m going to go start working in the other room.

Simon: Can’t you do it out here?

Me: No but you can come in here with me

Simon:  No! You out here. The power of God compels you!


Simon: Did you know the Corona virus is my Dad?  When I vaccinated I’ll be able to talk to God!


Kid is on brand as always.

Laura: Your friend Ardalon dedicated the first night of Hanukkah to kindness. Do you want to dedicate it to anything?

Simon: The Fires of Hell.


Simon is in his room playing with his respite worker.

A car alarm goes off outside.

A few seconds later I hear Simon yell “YOU ARE INTERRUPTING MY RESPITE!” 



Simon: Xena and The Mandalorian would make a bad ass couple.

Me:  Language! Also, totally.


Simon: There’s a crucifix

Me: Do you know what a crucifix is?

Simon: No

Me: so you’ve heard of Jesus, right?  He was a real man who got killed by being hung up on a cross until he died.  Pretty brutal.

Simon: So he died?

Me: Yes. Christians believe he came back to life 3 days later

Simon: Like a zombie?

Me: *can’t stop laughing long enough to get an answer out*

Me: *catching my breath*

Me: Not exactly...but kind of.


“I’m Dreadie Mercury.  His weakness is taking the wrong medication”. - Simon with his typical creepy punny charm.


“My Freak Flag is made of hot lava”- Simon


Simon has coined the official word of the pandemic.


Is there a more perfect word to describe our current moment?  I think not.


Teacher: At the end of class, we’re going to do some voting for class elections

Simon: I’m going to run for “Crime Boss”.


Simon: *eating breakfast I cooked for him*

Simon: I wish I had rations

Me: What? What does rations mean to you?

Simon: Canned food. Like in Kong: Skull Island

Me: *I am NOT going to take this as commentary on my cooking*


Context: Simon has taken to saying his name is Satan, as he includes him in his pantheon of villains he likes to identify with when he’s angry, frustrated or even just playing around.

This literally just happened. 

Simon: *speaking rudely to me*

Me: Do you ever get what you want when you talk to me like that?

Simon: *angrily* YES

Me: Not today Satan!

It just kind of slipped out.  Don’t judge.


OMG.  Just overheard on Simon’s morning social group check in.

Teacher: How are you feeling this morning?

Simon: Furry

Student 1: Fluffy

Student 2: Hey [teacher], have you ever heard of Furry culture?

Teacher: No, should I go look it up?

Me: *in my head* Oh, Teach, you sweet fella. Definitely do NOT look that up on a shared screen.


Roughhousing with Simon in his bed this morning.

Simon: Will you body slam me?

Me: *body slams him WWF style*

Simon: *hysterical laughter muffled by my full weight on him*

Simon: I think you broke my sensory.


Me: *on phone*

Simon: Shut it off! King George said no electronics!


“My IPad isn’t working. Must be the Coronavirus.”- Simon


"I'm not a consequence kind of guy.  I'm more of a trickster sort of kid. "

- Simon

Truer words were never spoken.


Tuesday, December 31, 2019

Simon’s 2019 Funnies

Went to Kol Nidre services tonight. Simon was NOT having it and was in a super foul mood. Suddenly at one point he stopped grumping and this happened:
Simon: "I just got a message from God!"
Me: "Uh, wow! What is it?"
Simon: "He said to chill. He said to take a chill pill."

From God's mouth to your ears, child.
Simon was joking around and used the phrase “psychologically stinky”. I started to tell him that didn’t make sense and then realized it was genius. Don’t we all know someone who is psychologically stinky?
Simon: Can we purchase this?
Me: Nope. We're not purchasing today.
Simon: Maybe I should s-h-o-p-l-i-f-t?
Me: Great spelling but, NOPE.
This morning, as I was cuddling in bed with Simon:
Me: Okay, I'm going to go stretch.
Simon: You better go stretch...till you retch
Simon: Do you know what TV show I'd be on?
Us: No, what show?
Simon: Psycho Junior
"I am 100% that squirrel."- Simon
Motek did the unthinkable tonight on his walk and ate a lot of gross brown stuff that shall remain unnamed. He just walked by us, still smelling a little funky, and Simon yelled out "Face Sewer!"

And, just like that, a new insult entered my lexicon.
Simon’s go-to bedtime listening is YouTube “Funny Talking Animals” videos. Also, lately anytime anyone swears, or says a word that includes a swear word (like “ASSign”), he puts them on the “Naughty List”. Last night as he and I were laying in bed to go to sleep, I kept saying all the alternatives to swear words and then finally said the “naughty” one and he’d bust me and put me on the Naughty List. It’s finally time to fall asleep and Simon says, “Mama, can you play Fucking Talking Animals?”, gasps because he didn’t actually mean to swear, bursts into hysterical laughter and promptly puts himself on the naughty list.
Simon's newest villian is Hurt Copain
Fishing in the middle of the lake and boat is really rocking from the wind.
Simon: "Who is rocking the boat?"
Me: *in a booming voice* "The hand of God!"
Simon: "Which God?"

Polytheism for the win!
My child wants to sleep with a packet of relish. In addition to a dagger. No on the relish. What kind of a house does he think this is?
Watching The Wizard of Oz.

Wicked Witch melts into a puddle.

Simon shouts out "Bye Felicia!"
Other parents might be a bit...put their child insisting on sleeping with both a metal sword AND a dagger in their bed, but if you're in the middle of listening to Game of Thrones, this just seems like a good idea.
Yesterday Simon had a cooking class through an org called Coachart, for kids with special needs/medical challenges. They were making handmade pasta and as Simon was working with the dough, he turned and said, “Hey, I’m ‘special kneading!’”

We have to get this boy a mic and a stage. Stand up is a real job, right?
"You know what they call me? Little Dead Riding Hood".

The goth is strong in this one.
Simon love to schmork two words together to create a new word that captures both. He just got home from camp tonight and Laura asked if he took a bath/shower while he was gone. The answer was no. 

Laura: Are you camp stinky?
Simon: Kinky?!
Simon just came back from a weekend away a camp. He's being mean to us because he misses camp. We talked about working on re-entry from camp since he's going away again next weekend. Simon replied, "The only kind of entry I do is a DRAMATIC entry".
If you want to know what kind of Jews we are: our son just asked for a Matzo sandwich...with bacon jam
Simon has been extra surly this week. He was just on a monologue about how if he had super powers he’d use it for killing.

Me: You’ve sure been in a dark space this week.
Simon: *scowling*
Simon: Don’t give me any compliments!
Simon’s current perseveration is the substitution of “bleep” into the middle of almost any sentence to make it sound like he’s swearing. It’s mostly annoying. Sometimes it’s freaking hilarious.  This just happened:
*Me trying to convince Laura that I have a few ringlets. (Laura has some SUPER curly-haired ex’s)*
Laura to me: You forget who I’ve been with. Who I’ve dated.
Simon: Who you’ve “bleeped”!

What terrible people have been raising this child!?
Laura and Simon watching cartoons.
Simon farts.
Simon: That just came from my Animaniass!
New jokes, inspired by Looney Tunes playing in the background.

What did Bugs Bunny say to the Olympian?
What’s up, Jock?
What did Bugs Bunny say to Captain Hook’s mortal enemy?
What’s up, Croc?
Simon just gave Laura Fitch the superhero name of "Gay Blade".
Me: Simon, look at that pile of CDs on the sidewalk. Do you want any?
Simon: What's a CD?
Me: Hah! You're funny. What do you mean what's a CD? Wait…Oh my God.
Simon used the phrase "waxie the cracksie" this morning when our friend mentioned a spa while talking on Facetime.

Where the hell is this kid hanging out when he's not with us?
Cuz it sounds fun.
Our Oakland Brony as heard this morning:
"I'll knock the Gucci out of Everypony"
Child of lesbians:
"Where did Motek [our dog] live before he was with us? Who was his donor?"
Simon's newest catch phrase used ad nauseum is "I'm so over it/that". Been making me nuts until last night when someone mentioned the Mango Menace on TV and Simon immediately declared "I'm SO over Donald Trump".

Amen, little man. Join the club.
New joke.
Punchline created by Simon, inspired by Animaniacs.

What do you call a shrink who can’t help you with your problems?
A suck-chiatrist.
New joke

What's the official fruit of the Red Cross?
Blood orange
New joke.
Crafted from Simon’s wordschmork.

What’s a nerd’s favorite kind of candy?
Dork chocolate.
We just watched Zorro. He's still on horror movie villians. So, naturally...

"The Mighty Horro".

I'm sure there is an adult film out there with the same title and slightly different spelling...
Where did homicidal maniacs play as children?
A slayground

(Credit to Simon for joking around during his spelling homework and coming up with the word “slayground”)
As per Simon’s Hebrew school aide. (They were doing a lesson about gender today)

Aide: Simon, you can move onto the next activity but before you do, I want you to tell me one thing you want to get rid of about gender.
Simon: *looking them dead in the face*
Simon: There is no gender.
Aide: Alright then. Our work here is done.
New joke inspired by Simon
Who do ghosts see about their crooked teeth?
An orthohauntist
Simon's insult of the week, inexplicably, is "Coal Miner".
Perhaps it’s the economic equivalent of "OK, Boomer"?